Ninefold Queen

The life I once knew as mine 

Streams down my torn and broken hands

The thoughts of my heart flowing and mingled,

With the screams of warriors from a thousand different lands.

Emptied of what triumphs I may have once held within my grasp,

I am reduced to a madly sparking dream within a frame,

Balancing on the thinnest wall between decay and animation. 

It is here where I died - where I became something else entirely.

This is your field. This is your power. 

Through splintered eyes, I draw in your presence.

You stand before me unmatched in deepest majesty. 

For you, alone, need not name yourself, ninefold Queen.

Gentle and severe, you carry me away past reason.

With dark glimmering titanic wings unfurled,

You dare my pulse to fall out of step with your pace,

As the Moon pulls the tide, my Life-lust rises to meet your gaze.

When I thought all lost, you uncovered me and held me close. 

With the love of a thousand suns, you roar the rage of legions into my being,

Setting my Heart ablaze with lighting passion of the Sith.

Within my very bones dance the memories of writhing tectonic bliss.

You bring me to Life beyond what I thought was death.

With Fey light flying through my nerves, I rise to my feet.

Unsure of what I’ll see through eyes newly forged in hell.

Of one thing is certain, I’ll live to tell the tale.

With exquisite hands newly taloned and a brow now crowned,

I stand on Earth as her Lover, crested by her majestic glow.

As she drains my enemies’ valor to the very last drop.

I walk as one reborn in Fire, ne’er again to be brought low.

She who dismantles nations with a single thought,

Has seen me broken beyond recognition,

Tenderly she carries me high above calamity,

And stirs my deepest lust to ignition.

Through vulnerability have I found immutable strength.

I run as one set forever free,

And now I stand on Sovereign ground, marked by She,

Who Is, Was, and will forever Be. 

[This piece, along with "Dance with Deity", is being published in an anthology entitled, "Finding the Masculine in Goddess' Spiral," edited by Erick DuPree.]

Today

Today is a special day,
Though every day has its own spark.
Its a day that I woke up yet again.
But something even more fantastic, seemingly a lark,
Has blossomed within me, though most might not see the gain.

Its a day where I woke up and,
Though I had no-Where in particular to go,
I didn't hate my life, oh no.
I didn't resent my brain for regaining consciousness.
For inspiring me alert.

In a strange turn of events, I awoke quietly proud,
Yes, even excited, though I wasn't very loud.
I was aroused to vitality, a surprise to my thinking-place.
I emerged from slumber victorious and at rest,
Something I haven't felt in ages,
Heretofore, I drudged forward neutral at best.

Whatever I'm doing is working, and working damned well.
In stepping out of many stories, I step back into my own.
My Legend that I for so very long have neglected,
Having buried the mountain of dust, I reclaim my Throne.
I'm back at the helm, Captain of my Ship, this I have detected.

I untether myself to that which drains me of vitality and vigor.
I set a course on the friendly tides under friendly stars,
For treasure, freedom, glory, and I figure,
I'll later wonder what took me so long to realize,
A full life enjoyed need not cinch one's inspiration with undue rigor.

Nay, the Winds of Change fill my mighty sails.
They carry me away from that which is dead to me,
The banshee for my previous experiments grows weary from wails,
I have a better plan now, one much more fitting, indeed.
I invoke the Sun and ride on proud,
For the lock on my door to happiness has been virtuously keyed.

Here's to you teachers, both pleasant and not.
Fine mirrors you've made, but I'm through sitting in rot.
I ride on having shed my ill-fitted skin.
I love myself, 'tis true, and I aim to spread the word.
Ne'er again shall I feign comfort when conversing with a turd.

As Captain of my Ship, many, not just myself alone,
See my example and are, themselves, set free,
This knowledge fills my wild Heart with Fire.
Adventure awaits, my fair wild mates.
Ne'er again shall I leave my destiny to the Fates.

To Lie in Your Arms

As days go by, I wonder why,

I wonder why I take this for granted, 

You and I.

Our time, our tears, our days that could be years,

And still I keep on dreaming,

Wishing that I could turn these tears into blood diamonds

Yearning to find again that place, that face, that I call home. 

Would I know I was there when I got there? 

How could I be certain?

How could I be sure its not just another,

Thornbush disguised as a bridal bower,

How can I tell, if I actually mean something to you,

Or if I’m just a parrot to be programmed,

To tell you want you want to hear, no thoughts, no feels,

Just landing my hearth in a candy cane jail.

I bailed - 

On an entire life I could have had,

I bailed - 

On a privilege on which I could have like a captain sailed.

I bailed - 

On all the perks of unfeeling pretentious condescension, 

in which I would never once have to show an ounce of originality,

Vulnerability, doubt, or suffer a gauntlet of soul-slicing ridicule.

I failed the entrance exam into the white-picket fence of the proud and scornful. 

So that I could lie in your arms and feel that they held all of me,

The all of me that was scary.

The all of me that was ugly.

The all of me that was sinful.

The all of me that was an abomination.

The all of me that was too strange, too queer, too intense, too crazy.

The all of me that was too much Love.

Love for Life.

Love for Death.

Love for You.

And Love for me. 

So don’t jump back if I start shaking as you touch me.

I didn’t think anyone ever would touch me like that again. 

Don’t laugh when I say this means so much to me. 

Don’t panic when my mind and heart are exploding,

Bright obnoxious emotion colors in every direction,

Its Independence Day, my love, and I’m a bloody firework. 

So kiss me like you give a damn,

Because I thought I’d never get kissed again.

Hold me - when I’m thrashing to get away,

Because I forgot how to let myself feel affection,

Touch me - because I taught myself it was bad.

Be my Devil and my Christ, baby. This is my resurrection. 

Grip my hair and make me say it.

Because I’m not an angel, but I have a message.

Lest I forget my Voice has saved souls from drowning.

Tell me “No” when I harm you, 

So maybe I can learn how to love you.

Tie me down, so I can focus for just a second,

On how beautiful being an abomination is. 

With you. With us.

Because if I can just re-learn how to be loved.

Then maybe-just-maybe I can grow back my once beloved wings,

And save the world one more time.

Lovers, come to bed. 

Let’s save the world. 

Dance with Deity

Dances of cascading shades of living color riding through my veins and arteries, 

Like heat-seeking missiles, they fire through my form, 

Up and down, running mad without a sound.

After your touch - you who steal away would could have been my concentration.

How can someone my brain hasn’t filed,

Vibrantly take the stage of my fascination,

And wrangle my senses into purest focus.

I fear you - you who will my frozen sharp serenity defile.

The song of your voice massaging my ears,

The smile in your eyes telling me the world will be alright. 

The throbbing depth of your touch leaving me transformed,

You who though you cannot tame me, 

Have left me utterly disinterested in there being anywhere else to go. 

I who am unaccustomed to being fully seen,

Am invaded by your integrity, your penetrating Truth.

Your Heart threatens me with Fire, 

Hotly enlisting everything in sight into to its deepest desire.

I cannot escape your inspiration,

Pretending I need not breathe, especially in your presence.

Damn you who make my lungs ache for breath,

Even as my pumping Heart is powerless to resist its rampage.

Commanding me to descend into your strong nourishing arms.

Who are you to call forth my sharpened horns to attention,

Piercing through my cold calculated skull,

As though you owned them, my wings in seconds unfurl to announce your approach.

Lover, Monarch, and Deity, your Passion compelling my knees to buckle,

Into your Endless Beauty do I fall. 

Though I forgot what Home could feel like,

Leaving me wonder if I ever knew at all,

Helplessly surrendering to the Unknown,

My soul flies to answer your enchanting call.

You who suckle me with sun and moonbeams,

You to whom I cling as we ride into noblest battle,

Ignite me that I may shine brightly for all to see.

I swear to you my Honor and Love.

Peace between our divine and mighty Hearts may there forever be. 

— And Tell You What I Want. —

Know what you want.

And.

Know how to ask for it.

The two things first learned,

Along with breathing.

And walking.

Its the sole reason we have incentive

To speak, so we won’t be weak,

When it comes to getting what we want.

Why does my breath then catch in my throat,

My blood get bottled up in my heart,

My stomach flooded with acid,

My veins throttled with fire born of glands in my guts,

My brain racing with visions of everything that could possibly go awry,

While I try,

Try so hard,

So very fucking hard,

To look you, someone who might NOT destroy me,

And ask you for the secret things that I want,

The things that to me might as well be oxygen, sunlight,

Maybe even coffee?

Maybe.

What do I want? 

I want not to be terrified of the things I want.

I want to be able to put them into words.

I want your touch to remind me of you,

And not the folks who smilingly stole warmth from between my ribs,

And the surging waves from between my hips. 

And especially, most particularly,

The light behind my eyes.

I want happy.

I want to fall while you hold me.

I want to run and you catch me.

I want to melt from the electricity in your lips.

I want to die and come back to life,

Over and over and over again.

But first, and most importantly,

I want to come out of the tomb that was once my castle,

Take a breath…

And tell you what I want.