As days go by, I wonder why,
I wonder why I take this for granted,
You and I.
Our time, our tears, our days that could be years,
And still I keep on dreaming,
Wishing that I could turn these tears into blood diamonds
Yearning to find again that place, that face, that I call home.
Would I know I was there when I got there?
How could I be certain?
How could I be sure its not just another,
Thornbush disguised as a bridal bower,
How can I tell, if I actually mean something to you,
Or if I’m just a parrot to be programmed,
To tell you want you want to hear, no thoughts, no feels,
Just landing my hearth in a candy cane jail.
I bailed -
On an entire life I could have had,
I bailed -
On a privilege on which I could have like a captain sailed.
I bailed -
On all the perks of unfeeling pretentious condescension,
in which I would never once have to show an ounce of originality,
Vulnerability, doubt, or suffer a gauntlet of soul-slicing ridicule.
I failed the entrance exam into the white-picket fence of the proud and scornful.
So that I could lie in your arms and feel that they held all of me,
The all of me that was scary.
The all of me that was ugly.
The all of me that was sinful.
The all of me that was an abomination.
The all of me that was too strange, too queer, too intense, too crazy.
The all of me that was too much Love.
Love for Life.
Love for Death.
Love for You.
And Love for me.
So don’t jump back if I start shaking as you touch me.
I didn’t think anyone ever would touch me like that again.
Don’t laugh when I say this means so much to me.
Don’t panic when my mind and heart are exploding,
Bright obnoxious emotion colors in every direction,
Its Independence Day, my love, and I’m a bloody firework.
So kiss me like you give a damn,
Because I thought I’d never get kissed again.
Hold me - when I’m thrashing to get away,
Because I forgot how to let myself feel affection,
Touch me - because I taught myself it was bad.
Be my Devil and my Christ, baby. This is my resurrection.
Grip my hair and make me say it.
Because I’m not an angel, but I have a message.
Lest I forget my Voice has saved souls from drowning.
Tell me “No” when I harm you,
So maybe I can learn how to love you.
Tie me down, so I can focus for just a second,
On how beautiful being an abomination is.
With you. With us.
Because if I can just re-learn how to be loved.
Then maybe-just-maybe I can grow back my once beloved wings,
And save the world one more time.
Lovers, come to bed.
Let’s save the world.
